Zombies: This weeks survival scenario - zombie in the kitchen

Zombie in the kitchen.

You are happily cooking away; it's a pleasant Sunday morning and the smell of bacon hangs in the air. You crack an egg on the side of the pan when the back door slowly creaks open. In wanders the bloodthirsty undead. What do you do? Each week I'm going to break it down into 3 of the most common supposed outbreak scenarios.


Higher function destroying blood Infection:
You need to make sure you don't get any blood on you so avoid all sharp objects. My suggestion would be don't look for the rolling pin; spatter in your mouth guarantees you'll be munching man-flesh within the hour. Look instead for something that will cauterise as it kills. That's right; your bacon will have to be sacrificed for you to survive. Burn off the zombie's face while avoiding being clawed. You may need to push them back with your foot as you burn away the face (it might be worth while knocking them down first to restrict their movement). This will only incapacitate them though, they may still blindly wander around trying to eat whatever they collide with. Follow the method for 'Risen from the dead' but put a towel over your mouth and nose and if you have goggles (or a hazmat suit) wear them!


Risen from the dead:
You don't have to worry so much about blood infection; it's just dying (or sometimes being bitten) that causes a problem. With this method you just need to destroy the base of the brain or the brain stem. Rolling pin will do the job if you're strong; if not go with the cleaver and separate the neck and the head.


Rage Infected / Fast moving zombies:
Your door didn't so much creak open as fly open. You're fairly screwed. Pick up a nearby tin of beans and launch it at their head. That may moderately stun your undead assailant; that buys you a second to pick up the tenderising hammer. Aim for the side of the head (slightly to the front) so the blood spray doesn't get in your face. This hopefully should spin the zombie so you can see the back of the neck. Repeatedly nail it with the tenderiser or rolling pin.) Job done.






Important note for all. Lock your freaking doors!


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